And how to shift the dynamic - once and for all.
For those of you who have been in my world for awhile, you know that from the ages of 23-30, I found myself either single or in some type of confusing dynamic with an emotionally unavailable man.
These connections came in all shapes and sizes - some were deep, spiritual, karmic connections with men who were unable to commit. Some were banter filled, fun loving connections that only went surface deep. Some existed somewhere in between.
But what all of these connections had in common was that they weren’t truly intimate.
They lacked vulnerability, openness, honesty, loving conflict, tough conversations, and of course, commitment.
For many years, I scratched my head, wondering why I kept finding myself in these dyanamics in spite of desiring a true partner and intimate connection.
Yet, the truth was facing me right in the mirror.
Because the common denominator in all of these dynamics was me.
Luckily, using the power of subconscious modalities like hypnosis, IFS, and various somatic techniques, I shifted my internal landscape which ultimately transformed my love life.
If you relate, know that there is nothing inherently wrong with you.
The reason why you’re finding yourself in these dynamics is because of your subconscious beliefs & priorities.
Your subconscious chooses your connections - and your subconscious’s #1 job is to keep you safe. Of course, safety does not mean a committed, healthy partner.
Your subconscious defines safety as:
- Certainty - what it can predict
- Familiarity - what it already knows
- Survival - the need for love & connection
- Wholeness - filling in missing pieces of your psyche
And you’ll see within each of these six reasons, there is an element of your subconscious running the show - choosing partners to meet various needs of safety, in the form of certainty, familiarity, survival or wholeness.
So with that, the 6 reasons you date, chase, or love unavailable men:
ONE: He mirrors your childhood caretakers who didn’t meet your needs
Known as your “imago” according to Harville & Helen Hendricks, authors of the book Getting the Love You Want, we subconsciously seek out a partner who represents our caretaker(s) in order to relive our childhood and finally get the love, approval, and safety we were craving at the time.
So, if your parents were unintentionally emotionally neglectful because dad was hyperfocused on work and mom was hyperfocused on your little sister who was always causing trouble at school, you likely will also choose an emotionally neglectful partner to replay your childhood experiences with.
TWO: You have a subconscious belief that you need to work hard for love
Many of the clients I work with have this programming. Especially because of school and sports, many of us learned that we get love when we “work hard.”
For example, get straight As? Mom & Dad finally acknowledge you and buy you ice cream.
Get the winning goal? Get elected as student council president? Finally, you get a compliment from dad - “Good job honey.”
When we learn love = hard work, we play out that narrative in our adult love lives by strategizing how to show up on a date, studying interactions, or putting in a lot of effort with men by offering gifts, sweet texts, and favors.
We think that it’s normal to have to “win someone over.” Or for it to take time to “prove ourselves” worthy of love or commitment.
Hence chasing men that make you work hard for their love and approval - often unavailable ones.
THREE: You have a savior complex
When you have a savior complex, you have a subconscious desire to fix, save, or help others in order to prove yourself worthy or indispensible.
You may see an unavailable man as a project that needs fixing. And of course, when you are able to help him, you get a hit of dopamine.
This creates a vicious cycle where you keep going after men that need saving rather than men who are already healthy, whole and don’t need your help.
FOUR: He embodies something you desire in yourself
Less commonly spoken about, I frequently see that unavailable men have certain characteristics or lifestyles that are desirable. For example, fun, flight, spotaneous, grounded energy. Or exciting travel plans, a creative career path, or a lavish lifestyle exploring high end restaurants.
You may seek out a man because you are vicariously living through his enery or lifestyle. In his presence, you have the spontaneous, fun trips, grounded nervous system, or laughter filled conversations that make you (probably a more a emotional, anxious woman) feel whole.
FIVE: It feels safer
You may not recogize that deep down, you have fears of being fully seen by another.
But really, ask yourself, what comes up when you imagine a man seeing you to your core, flaws, insecurities and all?
What comes up when you think about sharing your love for him, fears about your failing business, or shame about your credit card debt?
What comes up when you imagine engaging in conflict?
In many cases, you might be seeking out someone unavailable to avoid the depths of true intimacy - which can feel vulnerable and scary AF!
SIX: You are unavailable yourself
This one can be equally tough to see, especially if you are a big feeler, but most of us are on the spectrum of emotional unavailability.
I find it helpful to define emotional availability: having the capacity to give and receive love, hold compassion and acceptance, and be with tough emotions.
Can you do this with others? Maybe.
But what about with yourself?
Most people are not emotionally available to themselves. Rather, they judge/criticize/shame themselves rather than being a compassionate, gentle, loving parent.
They disconnect from their feelings by overanalyzing, googling “how to win over an Avoidant,” or distracting themselves with social media, wine, or reality tv.
Or, they overindulge in their emotions by repeating the same story about how no one really loves them, they aren’t good enough, and they’ll be alone forever.
This is being emotionally unavailable to yourself.
When you engage in that behavior, it’s no wonder you attract partners that are equally unavailable.
So how do you shift these dynamics?
You need to shift your narratives and patterns at the subconscious level.
Right now, your subconscious believes it’s safer to go after unavailable love. It’s getting something out of these connections - otherwise, you wouldn’t be drawn to them.
You need to show it a different way by reparenting your inner children and rewiring your beliefs around yourself, relationships, and what love really is.
This is why I’m creating the course: Breaking Free of Unavailable Men
I’m sharing the exact subconscious practices that I did in order to shift this dynamic for myself so that I actively sought out & attracted emotional availability.
And at age 30, I finally attracted a man who was all in with me. Now, I’m 32, and I have the relationship of my dreams.
In Breaking Free of Unavailable Men, you will:
Get the roadmap & subconscious strategy for each of these 6 blocks so you can rewire your subconscious to seek out available love
Heal your inner child so she no longer chases men who can’t meet her
Gain tools to embody more self compassion & connection with yourself
Step into your magnetism so you can navigate dating triggers with peace, empowerment, and authenticity
Doors open in a few weeks. Anyone who signs up for the wait list will get exclusive savings and first access.